Divide and Conquer

  If you’ve done your research, you’ll know I am proudly a stay-at-home father. I consider myself a professional at this point, but by no means do I think I am better than anyone else in the way they choose to parent their children. Everybody is different and that’s awesome.

If you have kids, or even if you do not, you know that there is always something to be done and there will ALWAYS be something that you do not get to. Such is life. Sometimes the day to day can be overwhelming. I’ve had days where I’ve felt completely empowered and all the chores were done and every child had their needs taken care of and I even had some miraculous time for myself. I’ve also had days where I did not leave my pajamas and found myself so overwhelmed by to do’s that nothing got done at all.

      For me, following learning some Michael Singer wisdom, the key is to start where I am and with whatever is in front of me. Maybe that isn’t the picture of perfect time affluence, but it is perfect for getting your momentum started. Though, that is not my best professional daddy tip.

Are you ready?

Here it is…

YOUR FAMILY IS ON YOUR TEAM!

      It is so easy to forget when you get lost in the endless rush of things to do and places to be. (and things to clean LOL) It may sound like an oversimplification because it is, but I’ve found very few things in life cannot be improved by simplifying. Becoming a parent fills you with a wonderful amount of joy and purpose, but in my experience, it can also fill you with resentment and frustration. You go from being only a me/I to forever a we/ours.

    As parents, we feel a heavy burden to carry loads larger than we can handle and bite off WAY more than we can chew for the sake of being deemed “a good parent”. I’m here to tell you that I’m not going to judge how you raise your kids. (with the exception that I hope you raise them to be kind before anything else) This type of divide and conquer approach that I learned first in management has since deeply changed my prospective on parenting. Working as a team instead of the typical give orders and receive directions method is essentially stating the obvious; everyone works together as equals to achieve and succeed in a common goal. It’s better for you, it’s better for your kids, and if you have a co parent(s), it is definitely better for them too. I promise, the load is a lot easier to carry when you share it. (especially emotionally)

      I know a few very conservative parents that would disagree with me and vouch that all parents signed up to handle everything for the next 18 years and children are meant to be compliant little machines. To that I say yes, but in my family, we are still a team first. My lovely wife and I handle most of the chores and the weight of being alive in 2023, but my rambunctious kids still do their share and (most of the time) respectfully too. An example of this approach (and my favorite thing to do when I’m feeling burnt out) is to look at my twin 6 year olds and say “Okay, we can do insert fun activity here, BUT we have to work together to get this mess cleaned up first”. Never have I seen more motivated little girls to clean something up. We use this constantly at our house, even with my youngest. I will offer she handles putting up one garment of clothing for me while I do the rest. Be reasonable and be ready to do most of the work at first but know eventually the kids get bigger and want to help more.

      The same goes for your partner(s), if you choose to have one. (or more) A simple “hey, I see you’re feeling frustrated, I can handle BLANK or BLANK, which do you prefer I do?” and happily do that thing! We all want to be supported and all need a sense of community to thrive and that extra two minutes of work will not weigh you down, but it will change your partner’s day. It will amaze you how this mindset with change your family’s dynamic. If you or anyone in your home is having a bad day, the first thing your kids will do is try to help. If there is slack to be picked up, I promise someone will handle it because they know you would handle it for them if the roles were reversed.

      Our families are the ones we love most. The ones we would do ANYTHING for, but observably they are often the people we treat with the least kindness. Don’t worry, now that you’ve read this, your brain will do most of the work to change this behavior subconsciously. Mindfulness is half the battle. Something I find myself constantly coaching with my children (and myself) is that if you wouldn’t want anyone else to say that about your family member or to treat them that way, you certainly shouldn’t either.

My family, 2022. It takes a village.

      Remember parents, your kids are watching. They are learning how to be kind or nasty mostly from you. We are all a combination of the 5 people of whom we spend the most time. Leading by example is not optional, you either lead in the direction you want intentionally or the in the direction you do not want by default. If you want them to be kind, you need to be kind. If you want them to be a team player or be patient when things inevitably go wrong, you have to go the 90% and show them how first.

      I’ll never be perfect, and neither will you and I love how truly wonderful that really is. Embrace the areas you have to improve as a parent. I propose it is time we love our kids unconditionally for who they are not how they are behaving for us that day. Most of all remember…

The only way forward?

Together.

-Samwell